ConversationCircles©

A leader flagged-out his concerns with me regarding one of his director whom was faced with people and team challenges; she is not able to command respect and lead the team in a way that this leader expected of her.

“I am very concerned with her ability to lead the team and enable them to move in the right direction.”

“How do you arrived at this conclusion?” I asked.

“Well, for a start she just don’t seemed to be able to get the best out of her team members…she kept telling me that her people are afraid to speak up and do not have the capacity to present themselves well. She is convinced that many would benefit from an intensive training program in presentation skills and ways to get them to speak up…I don’t know that’s why I would like to hear your opinion.” lamented the leader.

I requested and met with the director the same day afternoon. After the formal and informal chat, I asked:

“Tell me a time that you are proud of your team effort.”

“Definitely! There are about 11 of them and some of them have many years of experience in this profession. A few are still very junior and I will coach and mentor them as frequent as my time permits…”

“And your frustration is…?”

“Umm…like many managers I faced the same problem in getting them to speak up and contribute their ideas during meetings and group suggestion. They are very poor in presenting their opinions and thoughts especially in client meeting…Do you have any training program in presentation skill to help them?”

“Would you let me have a conversation with them tomorrow for about 45 minutes of their time to find out more…?” I suggested.

ConversationCircles©

Next morning, 10 of the team members showed up at 9.15am for a quick informal coffee before we adjourned to a small room with 11 chairs in a circle. I was not surprised by their surprises written on their faces but some were already very indifferent in their disposition.

I started with a welcome and quick story about the circle council. The flow of session was shared using a flip chart stated the agreement and guided intention so as to give us some direction.

A talking-piece was introduced as a way to garner respectful way of speaking and listening. Though it took them a few minutes to get use to the flow of things but the magic of circle enable most of them to have their voice heard; even for those who hardly speak the local languages…

ConversationCircles©

Here’s some of the emails I received after the conversational circle which overran by 30 minutes:

“I noticed that I am more relaxed and more willing to listen to people to understand them, rather than being so busy reacting to them. I’ve made it a point to slow down when I speak so I can think it through.”

“Thanks for holding a great session and providing us a place to express our thoughts and feelings.”

“Being a good listener is more difficult than I ever imagined…thanks!”

May I invite you to pick up the talking-piece and start listening…

]]> http://conversationcircles.sg/2011/06/a-circle-in-conversation/feed/ 1 http://conversationcircles.sg/2011/02/are-you-a-talent/ http://conversationcircles.sg/2011/02/are-you-a-talent/#comments Fri, 11 Feb 2011 08:22:29 +0000 Allen http://conversationcircles.sg/?p=2029

Are you a talent that others think you are?

For many years in my adult life, I vaguely remembered that I ever scored a spectacular goal from the half-way line in a game of football (soccer in some parts of the world) at a primary school competition. I remembered the euphoria of my team-mates running towards me to celebrate on a rain soaked pitch at the now defunct Mountbatten Primary School; the team went on to win the competition that year.

As I grew older, that memory faded and reach a point that I begin to suspect it was all but a dream…until more than 30 years later I met an old primary school classmate in an army-reserve unit gathering.

“Hey, are you from Mountbatten Primary?”

“Yes, and you are…? Sorry, I cannot recall who you are…”

“I am Peter. I don’t think you can recognize me but you seems to retain your features quite a bit…!”

“Oh…I do?! I will take that as a compliment…”

“And of course I will always remember the goal that you scored from the half-way line…it was one of the highlights of that competition…”

“OMG, thank you for confirming that dream of mine that was with me for the longest time…I keep having this image in my head but wasn’t sure I actually did that…!! If not for this chance meeting and you telling me that…!”

“Of course you did…it was one of the highlight of our cohort and you were quite famous after that…! How are you? Did you went on to have a career in football?”

“Ummm… me, football…I wish…!”

For the record, football takes precedents in the second-half of my teenage years that not only ruined my education somehow but also both my knees that requires major surgery. At best I went on to represent school at various level but has never go beyond that. It’s only in my young adult years when I discover why my so call “talent” was not fully developed. It was from a quote that I learnt from probably the greatest football player – Pele and he says:

“To be a great soccer player; you must first be a great athlete.”

How I wish I have heeded his advice in my formative years…

But when I take a step back and think deeper, I would say that the environment of the 70s and 80s that I was brought up with wasn’t the best for sporting athletes. At that time, Singapore was in a state of industrialization and most national initiatives such as educational and manpower policy are towards creating jobs and preparing the people to be as employable as possible in the marketplace. Therefore many others including me would not have a conducive environment to develop sportingly.

What is my point?

I sometime find it quite amusing when academics and management gurus keep telling the world that there’s a drought of talent out there in the marketplace, that organizations in this competitive world face a war for talent so on and so forth…Have we ever ask ourselves what do we do when we “recruited” the talents into our organization? Have we put in place an environment that the so-call talent will thrives and excel? What is our definition of talent? Are there really such thing as “ready-made” talent out there that when engaged will perform to what’s expected of them?

My recent role in Learning and Development enable me to confront this questions directly and work closely with a team of talent management professionals. I am glad that my business partner have similar view on talent management and we intended to drive the initiatives of human resources towards a holistic approach starting from the “WHY” we recruit to the “WHY” they leave the organization. We may not be sure that all that arrived at our door would consider as “ready-made” talents but we aspire to ensure that most leave our door would consider to be some talent in their own rights.

What do you think?

I would like to hear your view or your definition of talent.

My mentor and probably the greatest critic in my life Francis recently told me again; “You think too much!”

I supposed this is not the first and the last time he is going to remind me about my favorite pass-time…(kind of).

But why? Why is it so that I always going into deep thoughts and reflection? Even in casual conversation?

Then it struck me one day. The reason most likely is my need to be RIGHT!

You see, I am afraid to be WRONG. I am brought up in a system and environment that being RIGHT is the right way to be.

But here’s a more scarier thought; the need to be RIGHT could also meant that when I am WRONG I think I am still RIGHT… I will garner all reasons, resources, rules and guidelines and so on to justify that I am not WRONG. Yes, I have been there and done that…have you?

The stories Barry Schwartz related in the presentation were both inspiring and practical. I would encourage you to ask these questions after viewing the video:

• Are there current situation in my life and at work I am inflexible about?
• Have I been bogged down by system and processes in my life and at work? If so, what are they?
• Do I conveniently allow rules and guidelines to dictate my decision making in doing what’s RIGHT? Or…
• Have I dwell deep into my practical wisdom (virtue, love, moral skills etc) to learn of what might be wrong?

NOTE: Barry Schwartz is one of my favorite speaker in the TED network. His idea and thoughts about practical wisdom though not an original concept but he has put it in way that is easy to understand. If you would spend 23 minutes this month on a video I would strongly recommend you to check it out.

Last note

Now, there is a long distance cousin of being RIGHT; that is to be GOOD! Since young I have always strived to be GOOD at what I am tasked to do. Be it a game of football, a talent competition or a task in my workplace. Not that there’s anything wrong for us to pursue excellence, but in the expense of…?

Francis once reminded me.

“When you are GOOD, you PERFORM.”

“When you are NOT GOOD, you …..!” (try filling in the blanks!)

The problem for needing to be good and performing all the time is that it might take away the element of learning in the process.

I learnt of this experience the most recently in my running. I used to set performance (how fast and far) as an outcome that far superseded any other less tangible experience I got in the running process – such as the sensation on my steps, the sound of my breathing and heartbeats etc. When I switch to paying more attention to my experiences and sensation of the run, I began to learn a far greater deal of my performance than previously. The result – I run further and more consistently, and thouroughly enjoyed most of previously considered mundane runs.

I wish this year can be a year of great learning for you!

I was holding my three year old daughter Isis while watching this video clip and she asked: “Why cry daddy?”

The ordeal that the Locke family went through reminded me of the time my wife and I went through when my eldest boy Timothy was born in August 1999.

Tim was diagnosed with heart murmur when he was born. He had a 2mm vertical hole on the upper-right ventricle of his heart chamber but fortunately no immediate danger to his young life. We were told to observe the condition and given hope that there is a 35% chance that it may healed before he turns five…but it didn’t. The size of the hole grew with him and eventually took its toll when he had a severe bronchitis when he was 16 months old. Doctor revealed that kids with heart problems are susceptible to respiratory infection hence an open heart surgery would be the sensible next step before more lung problem arises.

We were reluctant when briefed with the procedure but trusted our good Lord’s healing hand in this and prayed for successful operation and speedy healing. After a nearly 12 hours procedure and another 6 in intensive care, we finally saw his tiny body with several tubes jutting out of his fragile chest and pale lip. Miraculously, Tim wake up from his GA in the wee hours the next morning and the first word from him was “Ne Ne” (which means milk in our local dialect). As we continue to imagine the pains and suffering he would possibly experience the next few days, he surprised us with only a few uncomfortable groans and whimpers and nothing more…He began to walk with some tubes still attached to his major veins on the third day and discharged exactly a week after his admission. Timothy was declared fully discharged by the senior cardiologist consultant from KK hospital in 2005 after twice yearly follow up checks and assurance of no leakage on the patched hole. He now weighs a healthy 38kg and I still complains about him over-weight for his age!!

This Christmas, let us count our blessed moments for the year.

Merry Christmas!

Friends of ConversationCircles. Kit and Kimberly (on my left)

Approximately 700 kilometers, 10 1/2 hours of travelling time, and waking up at the wee hours to catch an early train to the coach-bus station at Novena Square. That’s how far I went recently to have a conversation and thought I would like to share this story with you.

Last Friday, I travelled north on a coach-bus from Singapore to KL to meet with Kimberly Ong, the Learning & Development manager of Fuji Xerox Malaysia. It all started from a friendship forged with Paul Lim, whom I have never met, he is the husband of a friend based in Malaysia, Kuala Lumpur. He also happens to be the General Manager – HR of Fuji Xerox Asia Pacific Pte Ltd (Malaysia Operations). He is one of the biggest supporter of ConversationCircles in the past year. He subscribed and followed  CC Touchpoint since June this year, reading and commenting on my blog posting and sending encouraging emails periodically. In September, I wrote to thank him for his support and encouragement and began a conversation. Paul asked how ConversationCircles might help in his organisation training plan for next year and a meeting was duly set up for November.

When the meeting date draws near, Kimberly – who has since taken over the training matters wanted to know the agenda and specific outcomes of the meeting. She asked to have a call three days before to confirm some details of the meeting and here’s my respond:

“My intention is to have a conversation and meet with your good self and of course Paul if his schedules permit…”. I responded to Kimberly’s well intentioned.

“That’s nice but we wanted your trip to be useful so if we can have some sort of agenda that will help…”. Kim seeks my approval.

“Kim, the agenda evolves with the conversation. Trust that process and we will enjoy each others company.” I thank and assured her.

After an almost 6 hours bus ride and 350km later, I was at the technology and industrial corridor of Petaling Jaya, Kuala Lumpur. A 15 minutes taxi ride took me to the spanking office cum product showroom amidst many industrial giants such as Honda, Honeywell and Colgate. I was met with a beaming Kimberly and quickly led me to a boardroom style meeting room and was soon joined by Paul. He is a stoutly build man with a attention gripping voice, proudly wearing his company colors on his sleeve with the latest slogan on ‘green technology’. Our conversation quickly went from brief introduction of ourselves to overview of organisation setting…and much more.

Paul spent about 30 minutes with us and left for another meeting. Kimberly and I continue the conversation for more than an hour and a half and we both end with some plans and intention to help the people.

I am grateful to be embraced as a friend and confident in the challenges that is facing the organisation. The conversation did not entail promises and solutions but useful questions that help us to be careful in taking the next step. I could be back again soon to have another conversation – and hopefully this time with a larger group than before.

In my six hours bus trip up north, I met a Singaporean businessman whom is going to KL to attend a wedding reception. When he realized that I am taking this trip without any promises of economics or business benefits, he was surprised. But after we shared and learned about the intention of conversation itself can be richly rewarding, I sensed that he understood my purposed and wishes me well.

Once again, a big thank you to Paul, Kimberly and Kit (whom has assist in my travel plan).

See you all again soon!

PS: I returned on the same evening after dinner with a friend also based in KL – to my sleepy family at 2am the next morning.

Friends of ConversationCircles

A circle was called from 12th to 17th of November at a beautiful country side of Victoria, Daylesford. Together with Christina and Ann, we were called to be in a circle, listen, responded and reflected at a deep level that is beyond the description of words. For me, the five days has open my hearts to the meaning of conversation…

I wrote this just a few days before my 7 1/2 hours flight to Melbourne, Australia.

To end, we must have a beginning.

But there is no end to the circle.

How can there be if there is no beginning?

But we can pause, adjourn, stop or even digress…

We don’t need an agenda, objectives or even so often prized ‘outcome’ to help us start and end a conversational circle.

We do need intention, choice, respect, curiosity; and the ability to embrace and celebrate differences.

Indifference among us will deplete the energy within the circle that holds the wisdom of those called to the circle.

I am still not sure what I actually meant but I did wrote to help me raise a question;

How can the circle help those who are indifference?

I got a glimpse of what’s install for the rest of the five days when we came together in a circle on the first evening on Friday, 12th November. A beautiful setting of 22 chairs in a room full of arts and decors, awaits us all amidst the green surrounding of gump trees, ponds, birds and bees…a sight to behold for a city dweller like me indeed. This was what’s written on the first page of my note book that accompanied me throughout the five days:

We do not ask what others may speak…until we inform them how they will be listen to.

What are the conditions that allow the soul to show up?

I held my breath…and the only reminder of my being was to be opened.

That night I couldn’t sleep (in fact, for the rest of the nights). I wrote this;

The Courage to try; is the Courage to fail.

The Courage to express feeling; is the Courage to be vulnerable.

The Courage to think; is the Courage to be thoughtful.

The Courage to ask; is the Courage to seek.

The Courage to respond; is the Courage to be responsible.

The Courage to love; is the Courage to give.

When I checked-in my luggage at 6kg on the day of my departing flight from Singapore, the smile from the counter staff seems to suggest that I am in for a cold chilling trip to Melbourne. I thought I know my geography and its supposed to be end Spring and sunny Summer…how wrong I was and the second day was getting chiller. But warmth was my experienced in the circle when jumpers and winter cover were offered even before I asked for…More warmths were being felt throughout the few days with Story Councils, Appreciative Circle and role-plays of actual life-cases. These interactions were given new life not just in the act but in our hearts. This was what I wrote on my third sleepless night:

The intricacy of the circle is limitless. Every details of its processes have such great impact on the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual well-being of all those presence in the circle.

Therefore, it is of utmost care and responsibility of the circle host to make caring choices in inviting, involving and evolving the process for the greater being of the whole.

I suddenly felt that I am truly honored to be called a steward but at the same time burden with responsibility.

I also felt a sensed of being born into the circle family – that I can and I will hold its rim, learn, practice and evolve this art form so that someday it will ‘live’ unto the social fabric of our cultures and values.

Centering our Intention

Like a story shared; “If you start the fire, others will come.”

More practicum from the third day onwards. The circle continue its charm with simplicity and beauty. The value of sharing and learning from others continue to hold the rim together. I was constantly reminded of the very quote that caught my eyes on the first night when I walked into the room:

In every journey there is a secret destination of which the journeyer is unaware…

Welcome to the mystery!

It spoke right into my heart from day one. It still do till now…

We were given a glimpse of The Art of Hosting which comprises of social processes such as the PeerSpirit Circle Way, Appreciative Inquiry, Word Cafe and Open Space; which all has a common archetype of gathering and having conversation in circles. As the days of sharing coming to end soon, the question in me continue to cry out silently:

“How can the circle help us in Asia which is so culturally diverse?”

“Aren’t we have enough of the ‘western’ medicine that so often promised to cure all but actually created many ills amongst us?”

“Is there a circle way that is principly-centered to our own value system?”.

I did not get answers to all above…

But I know where to find the answers…within the hearts of those that will heed the call of circle.

Christina Baldwin

It seems a long time I have known Christina and Ann. Having read their books, visited their website, heard their stories and followed their work, I was taking in their friendships in the way I am fond of – quite, demure and unassuming, I supposed. In the five days we spent time together, the close encountered has given me a glimpse to their passion, wisdom and above all humanity. We shared intimate conversations, spoke with our eyes and hearts, felt the energetics of love, walked the Australian bush and went for Kangaroo sightings at a nearby golf park with charming child-likeness – Thank you.

Ann Linnea

Here’s our little conversation we had periodically throughout the five days:

“I am unsure when to sound the bell as a guardian…would I undermined the intention of the circle host if I did so?”. I asked.

“Allen, I want to thank you for your wisdom in asking the question.”. Ann assured.

“I am burdened with responsibility to carry the work of circle…”. I shared in the story council.

“We want you to know that we are a team now. You are now a steward of the PeerSpirit Circle and we will support in the work that you do in Asia…and beyond”. Christina whispered with conviction.

See you both in Asia in 2012!

Picture source: pigskinliquor via Flickr

A friend (let’s call him John) who’s a Sales VP of a MNC organized a sales retreat conference for his team of 20 staff members. I was engaged as a facilitator to provide teambuilding workshop on the second day after the first day of long presentation amid the hill top of a luxurious golf resort in the southern part of Johor, West Malaysia.

Like always, the teambuilding ended in high spirit. During dinner, John seems troubled as he was unusually tranquil.

“How do you think the day went?” I asked.

“Oh, I think it went well…the folks seems charged up for the year ahead…but…” His tone was tapering to a whimper.

“But you think…?” I sensed a great concern lurking.

“Every year’s the same…we end up highly motivated, charged-up but it don’t seems to last the race…” He lamented.

“But you know the problem?”

“I don’t know…I mean I know but not sure if it’s true…” John was getting hype up in confiding…

“Try me. I am keen to know what you are not sure about…” saying while staying with him at eye level.

We took our drinks and walked towards the balcony over-looking the golf course, we leaned against the edge of the balcony ledge; as if we are afraid of anyone might eavesdrop on our conversation, John said:

“Allen, frankly, I am not sure whether all these teambuilding works for my people anymore…Don’t get me wrong, I think we need such motivation and coming together from time to time, moreover, my guys enjoyed it and it’s good to reinforce the importance of mutually supportive relationship. But I am sensing that we are missing something…some critical intervention…maybe something to do with our sales leader.. . ” He was referring to his six sales directors who work very closely with the sales managers and associates that are accountable to about 15% of their group revenue.

“I am keen to learn about your observation…” I realized the opportunity to have him tell me more of what he does know.

He look over his shoulder twice as if to make sure that no one was behind us, he went on to said: “Having work with them for more than 3-4 years, accept for Paul who joined us early this year, I can confidently say that they are good with driving numbers and making sure that the folks perform to expectation.” Referring to the sales directors who eventually will step up to take his mettle.

“So what’s your concern?” I threaded carefully and continue to look into his eyes…

“My concern?! Yes, I am not sure this is a concern but I am in fact less worry of them performing in terms of driving numbers per se but more worried for them relating and leading their direct report and people…” He was fiddling with beer mug on his right hand while sharing…

“Is that truly your concern?” I took risk in probing deeper.

“I am quite sure…in fact, many of my second tier managers had threaten to walk out just a few months ago…and the HR report shows that compensation wasn’t the main culprit.” John’s tone turn from serious to flat deadpan.

“So how do you intend to address this?” I somehow knew he might have an idea.

“That’s where I am not sure…you?” somehow he thought the same.

We spent sometime talking about coaching and leading people. We thought may be it would be timely to help the key leaders to identify their critical roles in leading the people to not just perform to their maximum potential but learning to lead others.

“Let’s organize a morning jog tomorrow before the nine-hole outing.” I suggested but to John’s amusement.

“Morning run?! What for?” he responded with suspicion.

“Trust me, you guys are going to enjoy the golf game afterwards…” I said confidently.

I remembered we spoke further on the idea and he still wasn’t sure the potential of bringing the message across to his people, but relented anyway. The next morning, we gathered as planned. The team was grouped in 3 with a fair-mixed of sales director and managers. A planned route of about 1.5km bordering the scenic view of the course garden wing. After some stretching and warming-up, the team was briefed on the route and I said:

“Go ENJOY the run TOGETHER and we shall gather for breakfast after this…” with tonal emphasis on the bolded.

As they set-off, John and I was heading toward the cafe set amid the garden wing awaiting their return. Not to my surprised, an athletic-looking sales associate arrived under 10 minutes followed by others in ones or pairs. Paul’s group was the only group of three that stayed together throughout the course. After some quick warm-down and water to quench thirst, we sat down in circle to have a debrief.

“Damien, you came in first. Tell us how was it for you.” I guessed Damien would be the most ready to share.

“I enjoyed the run. The air’s fresh, cool, nice surrounding and 1.5km is no problem for me, you know.” Damien professed with a wide grin.

“I am sure you do, thanks Damien. Who’s with Damien’s group?” I turn the attention back to the group.

“We couldn’t catch up with him…he’s too fast!” a lady by the name of Steff half-protested…”Luckily, Tony wasn’t!” referring to a senior sales director perhaps in his early 50s in the same group.

“I am an old man you know…” Tony followed-up with much laughter from the team and some nodding of heads…

“How about you Paul? Your group came in last but seems to be having fun and not breaking a sweat…” I turn to Paul’s direction.

Paul, looking rather embarrassed, responded: “I actually asked Steven and Judy to go ahead without me so that they finish the run early. But they decided to keep with me and we really ENJOY the run TOGETHER.”

“Did you?” Now facing the group to garner their response.

“WE did. It was fun running at an easy pace and being supportive of each other. We chatted along the way and enjoyed the company. In fact, we did so with much ease that the distance seems too short when we arrived…” Judy shared with obvious agreement from Tony and Steven.

“Yeah, for someone who’s hardly out in her jogging shoes…” Steven was jibbing at Judy pointing at her very new looking bright yellow sneakers.

“Thanks for the insight Judy and Steven. I would now like to invite you to note down three questions for your reflection later during your nine-holes…” I urged the team to take note.

“Firstly, what could we miss-out when Personal Performance took precedence?”

“Secondly, what else is important besides Performance?”

“And not least important, is Leading meant just Performing? If so, why? If not, how?”

John told me later they have one of the most enjoyable round of nine-holes that morning after a hearty breakfast. The folks continued to stay with the same group during their golf rounds and some of them even skip golf just to continue their sharing after breakfast. He wanted me to continue the work that we have just started with the sales leaders. As for the team, I was told that they organized bi-monthly run every alternate Friday evening – Together.

Points to Ponder:

1. Leading from behind, the view can be quite astonishing.

2. Guiding from the wing, the conversation can be quite engaging.

3. Coaching from within, the sense can be quite satisfying.

]]> http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/is-leadership-only-about-performance/feed/ 6 http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/be-still-from-conformity-to-mobility/ http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/be-still-from-conformity-to-mobility/#comments Thu, 21 Oct 2010 05:21:15 +0000 Allen http://conversationcircles.sg/?p=1855

One of the many miracles Jesus’ performed during His ministry; “Calming the Storm” incidentally is one of the favorite story my kids like in their bed-time story. There seems to be this recurring theme about casting our worries unto His care in the Bible – I think this is more than a promise from God but a command He desires from us.

Be Still – a simple posture of not acting seems to go against the grain of our need to do, act and perform; to think useful, to feel valuable and to be justified.

In my career as a trainer and facilitator, I was privileged to meet with some like-minded people and great thinkers from around the world. One of them is Timothy Gallwey – a pioneer in sports motivation and psychology. Tim wrote the first book “The Inner Game of Tennis” in 1972 and follow-up with a series of Inner Game series in the last four decades. It was his “Inner Game of Work” that brought his theory of human potential to main stream business coaching in 1998 and to Singapore in 2002 during the association’s inaugural Human Capital conference; In which Tim and I met and became friend partly due to our love for the game of tennis. I met with him again five years later in Los Angeles and continue to be amazed with his thinking that has transcend from sports to business to communities-at-large.

One of his conceptual idea about learning is mobility – from Conformity to Mobility; the ability to learn and be aware without being paralyzed by doing and external pressure of producing result. Many of us always think that to perform is to produce, hence there is a great need to act and do. Tim has argued that in order to gain mobility is having the ability to STOP – an acronym he shared to debunk the myth of ‘performance momentum‘ – a term he argued that most of us have habitual actions we do in the course of the day without a moment’s thought of why we do them.

Step Back – to step back means to put distance between yourself and whatever you are involved with at the moment. Step back from the momentum of action, thinking and emotion. Find a place of poise and balance – a place where you can think clearly, creatively and independently.

Think – to stop thinking momentarily in order to think may sound like a paradox, but it is not. Here Tim expounded that there is a shift in the thinking gears, a disengagement of thought in order to either rest or engage in a different level of thinking. Here’s where you begin to ask thoughtful questions.

Organize your Thoughts – Thinking may not usually occur in a perfectly organized fashion. Especially in longer STOPs where there has been creative thinking about problem solving or strategic planning. ‘Organize’ is your chance to pull your thinking together, bring coherence to your plan, consider priorities, and provide a sequence for actions.

Proceed – You don’t stay on the mountaintop if you want to take action. There is definitely a right time to descend from your thinking space, and that should be when things has been refresh and clarified. When the goals and the next steps are clear, and you have been connected to your motivations and surrounding, you are ready to get back to work.

Again, do not hesitate to STOP once clarity fades. The biggest resistance to using the STOP tool is the habitual comfort of ‘performance momentum’, our inherent way of doing and ‘performing’ that may gets in our way of learning and enjoyment.

Points to Ponder:

• STOP at the beginning and end of each workday or project.
• STOP to make an conscious change.
• STOP to address a mistake, ask a question.
• STOP to correct miscommunication and to check how your performance momentum have impacted on others.
• STOP to listen, learn, coach and encourage.
• STOP to rest.

]]> http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/be-still-from-conformity-to-mobility/feed/ 4 http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/just-me/ http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/just-me/#comments Fri, 15 Oct 2010 13:38:24 +0000 Allen http://conversationcircles.sg/?p=1818

© ConversationCircles

Hang on! Before you begin to think that I am blogging about ‘Just Me’, think not. I am sharing my learning about “Self-Justification” and probably an important lesson for you too.

Recently, I was intrigued by this simple yet truly great word – JUST.

We use this word ever so often; we use it as adverb such as just now, just do it or just a moment ago etc. We also use it as an adjective such as: this is a just cause, a just reward or punishment and deserving of a just retribution etc.

But it is not the word uttered or use outwardly that intrigued me…but the manner in which we use it inwardly, silently or even unconsciously that amazes me. For example, suppose you are in a long public-train ride and got yourself a comfortable seat besides one that is meant for the elderly; at one stop, the corner of your eye spotted someone that might need your seat more than you do. Now, I guess that the most immediate response from your heart will be to choose to let up the seat for the someone; but here’s how we may often choose to response:

• The person on the seat meant for elderly should give up, not me!
• What if the elderly may not need the seat as he may disembark at the next immediate station?
• I am not alone in this…why should I?
• What if the elderly reject my offer? This was what happened when I did the last time…
• This is a long ride for me. I am as legitimate as anyone in this train to the seat, why me?
• What if…

You see, we have this uncanny ability to JUSTIFY our own choice of action/behavior that is in contrary to our organic response or intention. Our reservoir of logical reasoning that camouflage our heartfelt intention is mind boggling and often disengaged us from our true way of being with others. Worst of all, the habitual “way of engagement” would become our wrong sense of being with others so much so that we deceive ourselves into believing that we are JUST in our own action.

Last Sunday evening, it was my turn to read bedtime story to Eiffel (our three year old boy). Having just got back from a training assignment on board a cruise ship for three days, I was really tired and was quietly hoping that Eiffel will pick an easy reading and possibly a book with the least pages…To my horror, almost like he wish against my hope, he picked one of the heaviest book from the shelf titled “Around The World in 80 Days”. As I was struggling to stay engaged throughout, for a few times when he wasn’t paying attention, I craftily took more than a few pages at once as I flip the page, and every time I did that I pretend to narrate the new page with exaggerate tone and expression to cover any trace of “fast-forwarding” the pages! Eventually, if not for my clever endeavor I would not have finished the book in half the time – though not rightly so but I am JUSTIFIABLY tired! – a self-justified exclamation even before I went into Eiffel’s bed-room.

“Ok Eiffel, what does it mean when we come to this page of the book?” holding the back cover of the book high up and trying to conceal my yawning…

“it means the end…” Eiffel’s mumbled unwillingly.

“Yes, it means time to sleep and papa will say a prayer for you now. Close your eyes…” I was urging him hurriedly.

“But dad, why is it the story is so different from the one that mommy read to me the other day?” Eiffel asked unwittingly.

“Oh…Mommy read Around The World..?” I gestured at the book cover nervously.

“Mommy’s story has India, Hong Kong and…”. Eiffel was peeling off my self-deception innocently.

Justly, my deceit was exposed. But more importantly, I have learned an unforgettable lesson from our three year old boy about my way of being with others beyond my action or behavior – and my self-justification.

Points To Ponder:

• The last time when you chose to not respond to your innate calling but act in contrary, how does that felt?
• If you felt justified acting in contrary to your organic responsiveness, how would you think others might respond to you?

]]> http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/just-me/feed/ 0 http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/same-same-but-different/ http://conversationcircles.sg/2010/10/same-same-but-different/#comments Thu, 07 Oct 2010 03:43:07 +0000 Allen http://conversationcircles.sg/?p=1750

© Jock McDonald 2008 www.jockmcdonald.com via www.lensculture.com

Photographer Jock MacDonald and animator Paul Blain teamed up to create this visual masterpiece that explores the idea that we are all one. (I suggest you anticipate with some patience during the presentation and gaze into the eyes of the portraits). Have you ever experience the organic desire of sameness yet felt the fighting force of differentiation from within? Do you have a “place” to go to when you are ‘fighting’? When your heart’s-at-war? Let me explain…

I was once in Bangkok, Thailand for work/holiday and chanced upon a t-shirt at a very popular flea market. The design of the t-shirt caught my attention with the phrase “Same Same” in the front, and “But Different” at the back. I was intrigued by the wordings and my curiosity must have caught the attention of the enthusiastic lady mending the store who might have sensed the chance of an early afternoon sales…

“This is an interesting t-shirt.” I started the conversation with my usual unassuming way.

With her not so fluent English, she said: “Sawadika. Yes, yes…very nice, very cheap. Only 300 Thai Baht..very cheap. You L size?”

Unfazed by the pushy sales technique that I was getting accustomed to the few days I was in Bangkok, I asked: “Do you know what’s the meaning…Same Same But Different?”.

With her ever broad smile and while holding the t-shirt over my back to see whether I fits a L-size, she commented: “Ahh…we same same like people…but different life, you good life I from poor life…”

I look into her hazel eyes with beautiful crease-lines at the end of it and said: “Khorb khun. Thank you for your blessing, I wish you good life too…I would like to have two of the t-shirt in L-size please…”.

“Khorb khun ka…please come again…” I still remembered her kind voice.

I have used this phrase kind of regularly since then; even my son Tim would utter it when he find a chance to remind me of my idiosyncrasies…

Let’s take today for example. Since you woke up till now, have you experienced moments of anger, dissatisfaction, agitation, road-rage, unfairness, bad news or simply things that’s not going the way you want them to be…Close your eyes and think for a moment. I did and I am quite sure you do, if not today then maybe days past.

These are times when we need to transpose ourselves to a “place” where we experience calm, tranquility, sereneness. It could be any “place” that we can quickly get ourselves ‘into’, for examples:

• Remember the feeling and all the senses when you first hold your baby.
• An old picture of someone dear to you.
• Your first date, kiss, hug, farewell etc.
• Your first hand-shake on the first day of your new job (remember how does that feel).
• A prayer (accordance to your faith)

You may even consider a “place” to go periodically to reflect:

• A book (Anatomy of Peace, Have a Little Faith, The Bible etc)
• A video (Seven Pounds, Departures, Passion of The Christ etc)
• A group (social network, conversational circle etc)
• A retreat

I have downloaded the above video into my smartphone and I must say that whenever I am warring-at-heart it does help me to be calmed at times. Whenever I am in a ‘storm’, I will always have my bible with me and be ready to listen. I am also grateful to the friends and love ones that have always been a support whenever I need my voice to be heard.

Lastly, I am heading for a retreat cum practicum come November to learn more about the purpose of hosting circle and collaborative conversation.

Points to Ponder:

1. Can you remember the first day when you started on a new job; full of enthusiasm, hope, energy. You would probably think, “I am going to work hard, contribute to the best of my ability and be of help to everyone I meet regardless…”. Is the feeling still the same?

If not, what happen?